Abraham Lincoln, Sparkly Teenage Vampire Hunter
by The Impossible Slashtronaut
Summary: Abraham Lincoln is assigned by his mentor what could be his most dangerous mission ever: kill a sparkly teenage vampire by the name of Edward Cullen. Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter/Twilight crossover. Anti-Twilight.
1. Chapter 1

**I'm writing this because I was bored. …and because I finished **_**Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter**_** at long bloody last. (IT WAS SO GOOD. NO SERIOUSLY, GO READ IT. IT'S SO GOOD.) Special thanks to keane5 for sorta giving me the idea. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is property of Seth Grahame-Smith. The Twilight Saga (**_**oh, God, it hurts to type those three dreaded words!**_**) is property of Stephenie Meyer.**

* * *

One rather uneventful day, Abraham Lincoln received a letter from Henry Sturges, his vampire-hunting mentor (who was a vampire, by the way) which made the day a lot more eventful than before. It read:

_Abe –_

_All that glitters is not gold..._

_But this one glitters and is cold._

_Go to the Northwest Territory and hunt this one down. He's a danger to everyone._

_The name of this one is Edward Cullen. He sparkles in the sunlight, so I suggest bringing your 'martyrs' along with your axe._

_Good luck._

_H_

Abe gathered his vampire hunting tools – his martyrs, his axe, and some wooden stakes with sharp silver tips – and put on his long vampire-hunting coat. He grabbed his stovepipe hat and placed it on his head. He was off to the northwesternmost corner of the country.

* * *

A fortnight's journey by train left Abe tired, but ready to face down this Edward Cullen. He wrote in his journal:

_The train made two stops: one in Chicago, the other in St. Louis. Both stops I managed to slay two vampires who Henry seems to have never told me about. It wasn't too hard of a job, but I'm mighty tired. A night's rest ought to restore my energy. This Edward Cullen will be no more by tomorrow night._

Midnight, outside a cozy and unassuming inn in Olympia, a pale teenaged boy with messy, greasy hair and golden eyes stared into Abraham's window. Abe was sound asleep, clutching his axe tightly (with the edge facing the other direction, of course) and wearing his weapons-packed longcoat over his pajamas. The pale teenager used his fangs to silently cut a hole in the window, and snuck in. He sat on the edge of the bed, watching the axe-wielding man breathe as he slept. Edward Cullen watched intently. He was not afraid of the axe, nor was he curious as to what hid behind the man's coat. He just watched, all through the night.

* * *

The sun rose the next morning, and Abe woke up to the blinding glimmer of diamonds being hit by sunlight. He rubbed his eyes wearily, then clearly saw him: the pale teenaged boy was sparkling. Abe went on to describe his encounter the vampire in his journal:

_He was blindingly glowing as the sun's rays shone on his pale body. His eyes, unlike most vampires I had encountered in my career, were golden instead of pools of inky darkness. He was a teenage vampire. About seventeen years of age, I would surmise. I was still in my pajamas when he lunged at me – incredibly fast. His speed was disturbingly animal, almost like a cat. As soon as I could, I grabbed my axe off of my bedside and gripped it tightly, swinging it like one would throw an anchor off of a boat into deep water, not letting go. The vampire Cullen was fast; he dodged it with ease. He laughed humorlessly as he dodged my axe. This encounter would prove to be a tricky one..._

* * *

To be continued...


	2. Chapter 2

**Here it is, the conclusion to the epic beginning of this weird and wonderful crossover. Enjoy. As always, (insert not my property here) is property of (owners of said property.)**

_He leapt onto the wall like a spider – a man with spider-like reflexes and abilities? I found that quite unbelievable, if I do say so myself. He was glaring at me with those golden eyes, piercing my vision. His skin was even more blinding as the sun rose higher and gleamed brighter through the window of my inn room. I heaved my axe over my shoulder and chopped it down in the direction of the vampire, its intended target the top of his angular, messy-hair-covered head. Cullen moved like quicksilver and dodged that attack too. I was utterly stumped. An incredibly fast, golden-eyed teenaged vampire was proving to be the hardest thing I had ever fought against. How to defeat this demon without really trying? I racked my brain as I aimlessly swung my axe at Cullen. He swiftly dodged every hack and chop I threw at him._

Abraham Lincoln was utterly lost for words. After blindly throwing a lit martyr at Cullen (and not doing much at all, surprisingly) hefound himself back to the wall, clutching to his axe in utter terror.

_I could not believe what was happening. I was beaten at my own game by a sparkling, golden-eyed teenager. A teenager with pale, cold skin and awful hair. He approached me as I hugged my beloved axe to my chest... He bared his fangs, sharp as miniscule daggers, and breathed cold air down my neck as he came closer to my throat..._

The door of the inn room opened, and a pouty, teenage housekeeper stepped in carrying a broom. She had long black hair, very pale skin, and dark green eyes. Not a vampire, just pale and very sulky. She stared at the brawl before her, shrugged, and began sweeping the broken glass from the window off the floor.

_When the girl came in to clean the room, Cullen's fangs retracted. His icy presence next to my skin vanished. He had dusted himself off and was now flirting with the sullen-looking maid._

"My name is Edward Cullen," said Edward to the pale, pouty wench. With the girl's arrival, Cullen had all but forgotten the vampire hunter's presence in the room.

"I'm Isabella Swann," said the girl, without very much emotion.

"I think I'm in love with you," said Edward. His golden eyes glimmered as he stared into the girl's soul. She smiled weakly back, but quickly resumed pouting.

"Climb on, spider monkey," said the vampire, hitching Isabella onto his back. He opened the window.

_The girl clung to the vampire's back like a leech to an open wound. My eyes could not believe it – he literally flew out of the window and out of sight, the wench still clinging to his back._

Abe got up from off the floor and shook himself down to get the debris off. He sighed. It wasn't often that the vampires he fought were that shallow. Or had bad taste in women.


End file.
